Heat olive oil in a medium pot over medium heat until shimmering but not smoking.
Add chopped onion and sauté for 5–6 minutes until soft, like your last situationship.
Stir in garlic and cook for 1 minute—don’t burn it unless drama is your thing.
Pour in broth and peas, bring to a gentle boil, then lower to a simmer for 10 minutes.
Blend the soup using a blender or immersion blender until smooth and smug.
Stir in plant milk, vegan parmesan, and lemon juice.
Simmer 5 more minutes. Taste. Adjust seasoning like you adjust your attitude.
Ladle into bowls, top with herbs, serve, and accept your culinary crown.